You and Me

I want this to be different. No stilted language. Rip away the barely understood and haphazard metaphors. For once in my life, I want an answer at the end of one of these teary-eyed confessionals….but that would be too easy. These paragraphs, this story…this one is a punch. A stare…eye to eye. A reminder — it’s just you and me. It’s real.

I smell like smoke from head to toe. My keyboard will soon. Maybe that will be when I stop typing. Let the smell of smoke overtake my soul.

Tonight was a bonfire (socially distant of course). But was that really what it was? Sure, there was fire. There was a crooner playing Folsom Prison Blues on the guitar. But forget about those things. Don’t get lost in the aesthetic and lose the meaning.

Tonight was a resurgence. An ode to a time we were “supposed” to grow beyond. But what is the fun in that? A year ago, I graduated high school, and life seemingly changed forever. I hopped on the carousel of goodbyes for what felt like ages and then leapt on a jet plane to a new world in Connecticut.

That was supposed to be where it ended. Or really, where it began. It’s the narrative keeping us all going. As Semisonic put it in “Closing Time,” every new beginning is some other beginning’s end. We can’t be too sad about graduating high school. If we are, we risk being stuck…having to live with the possibility that we peaked in that long hallway on Sam Haskell Circle.

So I moved away. Nice school, fancy credential, new me. My high school friends..scratch that, I hate that term…my best friends were reduced to contact names in my phone and Bitmojis in Snapchat groups.

And then, by a cosmic twist of fate, we were thrown back together. Colleges shut down, we packed our bags, hopped in cars and on planes, and went full speed into our past. And in a way, smiling about being around our beginnings had a weird price attached to it….the price of contentment.

Eventually, it was normal. Old faces became present. Changed personalities suddenly seemed intimately familiar.

The bonfire tonight was a resurgence of my former life, but it was also another stop on what seems to be a never-ending goodbye tour. But it isn’t never-ending. One day, there will be a last time, and I won’t know when that will be. So I smile as I wave goodbye from Davis’s driveway. And the tears flow.

Let’s take it to the stars. Don’t worry, it’s still just me and you. These words are still very real. I’m not hiding behind a curtain. I am right here.

This life is a revolving door of hellos and goodbyes. The hellos are amazing, refreshing…the goodbyes hurt like hell. But the pain is good. It is a reminder I am alive…..that the connections, friendships, and moments are real.

So as I walked away from the bonfire tonight and Will’s guitar faded into the distance, I was grateful for the pain….proud of who I call my best friends and where I am headed.

I move to the Coast for the summer in 7 hours to take the next step in my life — in my career. And there is pain. But it’s worth it. Jami, Davis, Peyton, Will, Abigail, Micah, AG, Andin, Mace and Anna…you’re all worth it.